Every day for a year (if I'm lucky)

Ok. This is how it is...

I went to visit a Friend

I went to visit a friend. My friend has a dream life- at least that’s my fantasy. She has a remarkable home on the top of a mountain in big sur. She heals people of all ages and sizes. She has a loving husband, three kids, everyone seems well cared for and safe. There is a safety in her world that I haven’t had in mine. I think it is that safety that I long for. Especially now that my life is being taken away early….at least that’s how it feels.

Then I think to myself take it like a lady, don’t cry. You are a strong woman and you can do this. Die with dignity and with strength. 

But now as I am half way along into my expected life span with cancer still inside me, it just feels awful.

At Christmas when I should have been happy I was going to see everyone I cried. I worried I would never see them again. I don’t like the feeling of that finality. It kills me inside.

Now I cry because I am afraid I will never have the chance to be welcomed into this wonderland that is my friend’s life again. This wonderland that has safety and food and the bills are paid on time. Safety to love, to travel to together, to believe we will be there for each other. 

The safety of tomorrow. That is the thread that binds us all. Hope. And, Tomorrow.

Hope and tomorrow are narrowing in on me and I feel like I am running away.

Just one more kiss from my granddaughter. Just one more visit to my friend Jen. Just one more moment with my husband. I love him so much I wish I never had to say goodbye. He was the one who tried so hard to make a safe harbor, a safe home, a place where I would always be warm and loved. On his back rides my happiness. Breathe dear one, I think I can hear you from the other coast. 

 

Andrea CadwellComment