Ok. This is how it is...
Ok, so, it’s like this. You have cancer. You get treatment, in my case chemo. Chemo is both a blur and painful to remember; it’s seared into every fiber of my body. Then it’s over. Then you get sad. We all do. It’s completely stunning, you just don’t expect this. Then you realize you have a LIFE again. You are going to go on living, you are a well human now.
Then you’re not. At least that’s the way it was for me. I was back at all the sports I love. I was happy, I had hair, I was alive- then boom- the cancer was back. Then it was, well it’s just a little cancer. Then it was, well, a lot of cancer. Then I was going to die.
Not at that exact moment. Keep in mind we are all predestined to die. Knowing I was going sooner than later, and with a pretty gruesome death ahead of me I was suddenly dying Andrea. Andrea living with dying as the back-ground music, or the color of the light, or the terra under my feet….
Then I had chemo again. It was worse. You know it’s got to be worse (in the back of your mind) because you’re going in for round two. It was horrible. At the end I couldn’t go up stairs without gasping, I was hanging on in thin air. I was almost disappearing. At least that’s what it felt like. I kept saying I will never, ever do this again. I still think this; however, I am not entirely convinced.
Now is the time when you get anxious- again. You’re done “fighting” you’re done getting the “medicine” that can make you well again or extend your life if you’re not so lucky. That’s me. The in-between time, knowing cancer is in there lurking somewhere…trying not to let that get to you because you don’t want to give cancer any space in your mind or body….your thoughts, your hopes, your prayers. I am so happy to be without “medicine.” I feel so good trying to have a “normal” life. I was right in the middle of my life (or so I thought) so I still had many potential years to figure things out. Now I will watch from the other side.
I am not looking forward to the next drug coming in January. However, I am very grateful to know there is one.